September 22, 2015

Dealing With The Papal Visit

Do you find yourself feeling melancholy and anxious and you're not sure why? Do you have periods of distress and distrustfulness with no apparent cause? Have you recently noticed strange whispers or cries being carried on the night wind? Are you dreaming dark, sexual fantasies where you give yourself over to unmentionable beasts? Are neighbors or pets inexplicably disappearing from your small, quaint, New England town by the truckload? If so, brace yourself: a papal visit might be close at hand.

A visit from the Pope to your homeland is always frightening and is bound to cause some level of anxiety in all but the most stout-hearted of us, but the sense of terror that travels in the papal wake need not take control of your life. Always remember that while he may be a member of the undead, reviled for traveling in shadow to feed of the precious life-force of the living, his true dark power lies in his ability to cloud your mind with fear, suppressing your ability to take action and wriggle out from under his horrifying, suffocating grasp. This being said, there are ways to fortify your spirit against this oppressive presence. Follow these simple, Jose-tested, common-sense rules, and you should find yourself sleeping more soundly over this trying week:

  1. Remember, the Pope cannot enter your home unless you INVITE HIM IN. Seems simple, but don’t forget: it’s important to make sure you train your entire family in denying the Pope entry. Even if only ONE person living in your dwelling invites the pope into your domicile through any door, window, or any other opening (including a pet door or toilet trap), You have allowed the Pope free entry in and out for eternity. Talk to roommates and visitors as well.
  2. Fashion a garlic necklace. The Pope hates this. Infuse garlic with olive oil and spray it on your outdoor plants and walkways. It will help to keep him at a distance, therefore diminishing the chances you’ll need to enact Rule #1. You can also soak in a garlic bath, but this is a trifle excessive. The necklace should work just fine, and won’t interfere with sexual attraction, ensuring continued lovemaking and lower stress levels.
  3. Keep a mirror handy and within easy reach. If you are confused as to whether you are dealing with the actual Pope, hold it in front of his terrible face. If you can see a reflection, you’re cool. He’s not the real Pope. However, dealing with an impostor can be just as dangerous, as it could be a way of distracting you while the real Pope is sneaking up behind on tip-toe, preparing to pounce. If this happens, get yourself to a safe place immediately. If you can’t see his reflection in the mirror, well…honestly, if you let him get that close, you’re a goner anyway. If you properly handle Rules #1 and #2 it should never come to this.
  4. While it’s true that the Pope cannot stand the sun, this is generally dealt with by keeping the old coot constantly lathered in a thick coating of aluminum-based sun block. You will also notice that his handlers keep the “man” dressed in heavy white cloaks and hats wherever he goes. This reflects the sun’s rays harmlessly back into the atmosphere. So with these considerations, it’s crucial to not rely on sunlight to save you.
  5. The whole crucifix thing is an utter myth spread by the mealy-mouthed minions in the Vatican. They WANT you to use it, for the cross is actually a source of much strength for the Pope, and if you produce it while defending yourself or while fleeing, your ass is grass.
  6. Wear a priest collar. Not a costume collar, but an authentic clerical collar from your local priest uniform store. They are heavily reinforced, and have been specifically designed to protect the devoted from the Pope’s bottomless hunger.

That’s the short list. Print it out and stick it to the fridge, loyal readers. It’s going to be a long week.

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